After a super intense week, she was totally exhausted when she got into her UBER, and the very nice driver started to chit-chat. She was overwhelmed with a lot on her mind, and the last thing she wanted to do was make conversation, but she chatted anyway. She didn’t want to be rude or obnoxious to this nice man, but by the time she got home, she was done. And, she lost her temper and reamed her daughter out for something that could have been solved with a simple request.
When she saw the upset welling up in her daughter’s eyes, she felt terrible and apologized saying she had just had a stressful day without any breaks and needed a time out. When her daughter came over and gave her a big hug, she was touched to tears.
Love has a way of making things better.
So where’s the love for yourself?
One of my clients was sharing the worry that she was a bad mother, as she told me this story.
“On the contrary,” I said. “You just taught your daughter a lot in that exchange. How to be honest about your feelings, how to apologize, and how it’s important to set boundaries around your time and energy, so you can give yourself what you need to be there for the people you love in your life. And that is the lesson I am inviting you to learn here- how to protect your most precious resource 😉
You most likely had the impulse to take the UBER verses be on public transport because you were following the urge to take some time and breathing room for yourself. Your instincts were dead on; taking this time could have given you the energetic recharge you needed to be present with your daughter verses reactive to the unmanaged stress and pressures you were feeling from your week.”
If you are a “giver” or a “people pleaser” it’s tough to say, “No.”
But, what’s the cost to you?
When you give your energy to everyone but yourself, the people that suffer the most are you and those closest to you.
While it may seem like you are “being a nice person,” if you don’t feel good inside about what you are doing, you are energetically supporting what you don’t want versus what you do want to manifest.
In the case of the UBER driver, my client wanted peace, and her fear of conflict created more conflict at home.
If you do anything out of guilt or fear of conflict that you really don’t want to do for a stranger, friend or family member, you are creating an internal conflict that will most likely manifest more conflict.
The loving and energizing choice is to speak your truth and take care of your own needs in a kind way. Give yourself what you need.
So here’s an example of how it can be done with grace; back to the UBER driver:
“Oh it’s so nice of you to want to chat, but I am really feeling a lot of pressure right now and could use a few minutes of quiet. I really appreciate your understanding. If you could help me just be quiet right now, so I can catch my breath and ground myself, you would be helping me turn this day around.”
A graceful way to set a boundary is to:
- Appreciate the other’s point of view or effort.
- State the boundary in a loving way.
- Thank the person for understanding.
I dare you to try this! Because doing anything you don’t want to do leaves you feeling bad and drains you of your most precious resource, your energy to feel good and be there for the people you love.
See if you can start practicing in situations with lower stakes like this one, and, if this is something you feel like you would like to practice more, come get away with me and my pal, Terri Cole at Kirpalu for an incredible weekend of Boundary Bootcamp!
Terri is a gifted, intuitive psychotherapist who has helped thousands of women understand the root reasons they struggle with boundaries. And, she is a master at teaching women how to set boundaries gracefully.
And, I will be sharing the energetic tools you can use to protect your own energy and to release guilt and fear of conflict, so it can be easier to put what you are learning into action!
It was an extraordinary class last year filled with a wonderful group of women. I left feeling touched, moved and inspired!
If you feel like you could use help protecting and renewing your most important resource, your own energy, check it out here!
Much love, joy and energy!