She was totally exhausted when she got into her UBER, and the very nice driver started to chit chat. She was overwhelmed with a lot on her mind, and the last thing she wanted to do was make conversation, but she chatted anyway. She didn’t want to be rude or obnoxious to this nice man, but by the time she got home, she was done. And, she proceeded to yell at her daughter when making a simple request was more appropriate.
She felt terrible and apologised saying she had just had an intense day and needed a time out. When her daughter came over and gave her a big hug, she was touched to tears.
Love makes things better.
So where’s the love for yourself?
One of my clients was sharing the worry that she was a bad mother, as she told me this story.
“On the contrary,” I said. “You just taught your daughter a lot in that exchange. How to be honest about your feelings, how to apologize, how it’s ok to take timeouts, so you don’t blow your stack (lol).
And that is the lesson I want you to learn here. If you had taken a proper time out in the UBER, time to breathe, and recharge without having to chit chat, you may have been in a different state of mind versus feeling overwhelmed and put upon when you came home to your daughter.”
If you are a “giver” or a “people pleaser” it’s tough to say, “No.”
But, what’s the cost to you?
When you give to everyone but yourself, the people that suffer the most are you and those closest to you.
Setting boundaries in these types of scenarios, where you don’t know the person so well, and there isn’t so much at stake is a GREAT way to practice boundary-setting, so it is easier and easier, and you get more comfortable doing it.
Could you try this next time?
“Oh it’s so nice of you to want to chat, but I am really feeling a lot of pressure right now and could use a few minutes of quiet. I really appreciate your understanding. You are helping me turn this day around.”
A graceful way to set a boundary is to:
- Appreciate the other’s point of view or effort.
- State the boundary in a loving way.
- Thank the person for understanding.
I dare you to try this. Because doing anything you don’t want to do leaves you feeling bad and drained. And, you need your energy for better things, like love;)
Sending some your way,
Lara
PS! And, taking time in taxis, elevators or escalators to take several deep breaths to clear your head is a great idea too;)
