She was totally exhausted when she got into her UBER, and the very nice driver started to chit-chat. She was overwhelmed with a lot on her mind, and the last thing she wanted to do was make conversation, but she chatted anyway. She didn’t want to be rude or obnoxious to this nice man, but by the time she got home, she was done. And, she proceeded to yell at her daughter when making a simple request was more appropriate.
She felt terrible and apologized saying she had just had an intense day and needed a time out. When her daughter came over and gave her a big hug, she was touched to tears.
Love has a way of making things better.
So where’s the love for yourself?
One of my clients was sharing the worry that she was a bad mother, as she told me this story.
“On the contrary,” I said. “You just taught your daughter a lot in that exchange. How to be honest about your feelings, how to apologize, how it’s ok to take timeouts, so you don’t blow your stack (lol).
And that is the lesson I want you to learn here. If you had taken a proper time out in the UBER, time to breathe and recharge without having to chit chat, you may have been in a different state of mind versus feeling overwhelmed and put upon when you came home to your daughter.”
If you are a “giver” or a “people pleaser” it’s tough to say, “No.”
But, what’s the cost to you?
When you give to everyone but yourself, the people that suffer the most are you and those closest to you.
Setting boundaries in these scenarios, with strangers, there is less at stake, so it’s GREAT practice! The more you practice, the more comfortable you get with any skill, including setting boundaries.
The fear that has a tendency to get in the way of setting boundaries when you don’t know the person so well is that they may get upset and you may create an uncomfortable situation. When you set boundaries at work or with your family, in the worst possible case scenario, that same potential upset could lead to rejection or abandonment, which raises the stakes big time.
In the end, the same question applies though?
“What’s the cost to you and that relationship?”
If you are constantly doing things you don’t want to do, it can wear on you and your family, and ultimately, the relationship you are trying to “protect” may become so strenuous for you that it is easier to abandon it, because it’s just too difficult.
So your fear is likely to be manifested anyway.
The Law of Attraction is working whether you are conscious of it or not. And it works with energy, not words. What you feel gets manifested, not what you are trying to protect against. So, while it may seem like you are “being a nice person,” if you don’t feel good about what you are doing and you don’t stop and set a boundary, you are putting energy toward the demise of the relationship. The loving and abundant choice is to speak your truth and take care of your own needs in a kind way.
So here’s an example of how it can be done with grace; back to the UBER driver–
“Oh it’s so nice of you to want to chat, but I am really feeling a lot of pressure right now and could use a few minutes of quiet. I really appreciate your understanding. If you could help me just be quiet right now, so I can catch my breathe and ground myself, you would be helping me turn this day around.”
A graceful way to set a boundary is to:
- Appreciate the other’s point of view or effort.
- State the boundary in a loving way.
- Thank the person for understanding.
I dare you to try this! Because doing anything you don’t want to do leaves you feeling bad and drained, and ultimately this behavior isn’t effective long-term either!
Start practicing in situations with lower stakes like this one, and try this Boundary Reset Freedom Meditation below before attempting this with more personal relationships.
After doing this meditation, one client didn’t even have to set the intended boundary because the other party beat her to it! Was magica l;)
So much love and freedom!