In a world that feels increasingly unpredictable, it is natural to try to control outcomes as a source of comfort.
We plan, problem-solve, and anticipate worst-possible-case scenarios, believing that this hyper-vigilance will somehow keep us safe.
But what if, instead of control, we sought comfort? Then got curious?
Think about it, if something went wrong, wouldn’t it feel better to be comforted and supported as you moved through it?
The idea that we can maintain control over anything is an illusion.
Life is ever-changing, and new information, new technology, unexpected circumstances, and shifts in energy are inevitable. Yet, when a crisis arises—whether personal or collective—our instinct is to tighten our grip, to create certainty where none truly exists.
The truth is….
Instead of making us feel safe, our need for control actually keeps us locked in a cycle of fear and hyper-vigilance.
Think about it, if something bad happened and you were with a child, would you sit and plan out worst-possible-case scenarios with them or try to comfort them?
The need for control often stems from childhood experiences where we felt responsible for the emotional stability of those around us. If a parent was unpredictable, neglectful, or unable to provide security, we learned that maintaining control was the only way to ensure our own well-being.
This pattern follows us into adulthood, showing up in our work, relationships, and daily routines. We anticipate problems before they arise, over-prepare for every possible outcome, and feel responsible for managing not just our own emotions but those of others as well. But this level of hyper-awareness comes at a cost—it keeps our nervous system on high alert, reinforcing the subconscious belief that disaster is always looming.
So, how do we shift out of this pattern? How do we learn to surrender control while still feeling safe and grounded?
The answer lies in the Three C’s:
1. Care
Before we can release control, we must first acknowledge our fear and offer ourselves the same kindness we would extend to a loved one. This means recognizing when we’re feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or reactive and responding with self-compassion. Ask yourself: What do I need right now? How can I care for myself at this moment?
2. Comfort
Once we acknowledge our fear, we can seek comfort—not through rigid control but through self-soothing practices. This might look like doing the calming, grounding exercise below that is one of my trusted go-to’s for anxiety, deep breathing or simply reminding ourselves that we are safe. Instead of spiraling into “worst-case scenario” thinking, we can focus on the present moment. Am I okay right now? What small action can I take to comfort and nurture myself?
3. Curiosity
Letting go of control doesn’t mean becoming passive; it means shifting our focus from fear to curiosity. Instead of resisting change, we can ask: What is this situation teaching me that I need in my life now? What opportunities might arise that align with what I want if I stay open instead of trying to force an outcome? Curiosity allows us to engage with life from a place of expansion rather than contraction.
Upsets create space for new possibilities because they make us stop and pay attention to how we feel and get curious about how we might feel better.
We cannot control what happens but we can choose how we respond to anything that has happened.
Please be kind and gentle with yourself, care for how you feel, and give yourself comfort as we navigate through all that is happening.
True security doesn’t come from trying to control outcomes but from cultivating inner resilience.
Inside yourself you have an incredible guidance system, be curious about what your emotions are telling you.
Your heart always knows the best way forward.
So much love,
I have this printed and keep it by my bed, so I can calm my central nervous system as I watch TV and have a more restful night’s sleep;)
